Schadenfreude

We were having a Turkish feast last month when Matthias mentioned it. "It's amazing, you know," he said enthusiastically, "that you can describe a complex emotion in a single word in German! There is no English equivalent sometimes."

Matthias was referring to the German word, Schadenfreude--which comes from: Schaden (harm) and Freude (joy). Here's the definition of schadenfreude according to the Merriam-Webster, 'enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.'

My English friend, Josh and I (mostly Josh actually) tried to challenge Matthias by looking for an English word for schadenfreude. Some words did come close (jealous, envious, gloating), but we failed to find the equivalent. We settled. Matthias was right. Ivo, who also speaks German, joined the dinner later on and proved Matthias' point (that German is amazing) by adding some more words to the table.

(That evening, German-English: 1-0, hands down.)

Fast forward two weeks after my first introduction to the word, I was indulging myself in a book by Robert M. Sapolsky (his compelling TEDtalk brought me to it) when I encountered the word for the second time.

Behave by Robert M Schapolsky. P. 15

I immediately texted the group as we somewhat reminisced about it after Alain de Botton's tweet on Torschlusspanik a few days before. "Schadenfreude is following me..," I wrote. And I suddenly wondered, maybe there is Indonesian equivalent for schadenfreude. So I posted it on my InstaStories.

Some friends responded with, interestingly, the exact same comment. "Bersenang-senang di atas penderitaan orang lain," which literally means having a delight on the suffering of others. I think that's close enough. Though unlike German, apparently Indonesian has an idiom (of six words) to describe schadenfreude.

But then my friends and I argued, "don't we also use the idiom in a broader sense, like when we describe someone being ignorant of other's bad situation. Like, for instance, when a person inappropriately celebrates (or even brags about) something in front of a member of his/her family who at the moment is going through a hard time. So it's more like enjoyment 'despite of' (not really 'obtained from') the suffering of others. No?" (Anyone who knows Indonesian any better, do correct us if we're wrong.)

In the process of understanding the word better, my friends and I somehow assumed that there is probably a spectrum of schadenfreude, ranging from the passive kind on the left-end (being delightful just by seeing or hearing other's misfortune) to the active kind on the right-end (actually taking action to make the misfortune of others happen--a category where, we thought, a sociopath falls into).

We then ended the discussion by agreeing that, unlike bersenang-senang di atas penderitaan orang lain, schadenfreude is a whole new level of mean. I personally even thought that only horrible human beings ever experience schadenfreude.

But wait, is it?

About two weeks ago, I was having lunch with Yasmin--who has zero tolerance to spicy food. We talked about our best friend, Bunga who once pranked her to eat chili sauce by saying that it was tomato sauce. (I know right?! I cannot believe she bought that.) What happened next was that Yasmin started to scream for water, and Bunga (uhm, and I) laughed at her uncontrollably. We consider that as one of the most hilarious moments in our friendship history.

Now wait, was that schadenfreude? Were I and Bunga (especially lol) such horrible friends? I guess everyone who think so should have seen Yasmin's face. LOL. (Whoa, schadenfreude all over again...?!)

Come to think of it, I stand corrected. I believe everyone of us, without exception, experience schadenfreude--which is why all those prank shows (like Just For Laugh Gags, which Yasmin should be in, LOL) are so popular.

Schadenfreude Alert.

..

On a side note, I think it's fascinating how complicated our emotions are and how limited our (or maybe more correctly, my) understanding about them is.

Isn't it interesting to think--if not confusing--that we can have a feeling, such schadenfreude towards our loved ones? One emotion is complex enough already (with its spectrum, context, and else), and then we can have (another) emotion on top of (existing) emotion(s)--like having two emotions (or more) that seem to contradict one another at the exact same time--how to understand that? Say that every human being has layers of emotions, which one is permanent and the other is temporary, can we scale each of them the same way? How to distinguish them then?

On the other hand, if my understanding of what schadenfreude (as an emotion) is correct, maybe it is true that there is a range of emotions, and it is absolutely okay to experience each and every one of them (including schadenfreude itself). Maybe it is the dose/intensity (out of many other factors?) that determines whether or not it is healthy.

Don't you think?

What really needs to change (to achieve parity)

A couple of years ago I was invited to speak by one of the Fortune 500 companies at its headquarter in Jakarta on International Women’s Day. I was invited to share about my work in Wangsa Jelita on women empowerment, why I think it matters, and how the core idea can be implemented, especially by big corporations.

I still remember that I really had a great time as the discussion was really engaging, the questions were excellent, and I even ended up making friends with some people whom I just met on the day.

And I remember what also interesting at the time was when they played a video of employees congratulating their female colleagues on this International Women’s Day. Some gave very sweet remarks, some others made some internal jokes. I personally thought that the idea of the video was very thoughtful. I could see clearly everyone who watched it enjoyed it. However, there was one thing that left me feeling a little uncomfortable. There was a comment made by one of the managers. I cannot recall the exact words but basically it was an encouragement for the single women in the company to delay their marriages, because once they are married their careers would most likely reach a plateau. It was told in a joking manner and yet as explicit as that.

I remember I turned to one female employee sitting next to me and asked what she thought of it. And she said that, I quote, there’s “some truths” in the statement. Some questions immediately popped in my head; is there ever any similar comment directed to the male colleagues—that they should delay their marriages if they do not want their careers to stuck? By extension, does this make men more favorable than women? I did not ask the fellow female colleague further questions on that day, but I did ask some HR friends after that. And my takeaway from some discussions with all of them was that once women get married, they are more likely to be expected to be homemakers rather than to be career women. And when they are faced with a decision that makes them have to choose one, the expectations of them choosing the former is way too heavier. (Only then I finally got what the female employee said that there are “some truths” in the statement.)

A bit of tangent (but not really), just recently, I read an interesting book by Brené Brown in which she mentions about the difference between culture and strategy. She describes strategy as “the game plan” or the detailed answer to the question: “what do we want to achieve and how are we going to get there?” Meanwhile, she explains that culture is less about what we want to achieve but more about who we are. She also quotes two organizational development pioneers, Terrence Deal and Allan Kennedy that “culture is the way we do things around here.”

I like how culture and strategy are described there, and I also think that the description is helpful to better understand the question: what needs to change if we really want to achieve parity? For me, it helps highlighting where to start: Culture. Because I think it only makes sense to speak about changes once we have understood the initial condition (before changes are made), which is pretty much about who we are right now.

My favorite saying on this culture/strategy topic is of Patrick Whitesell.

In the same book, Brené Brown lists 10 questions that can help identifying what the culture of an organization is. Among those questions, I picked five which, I think, are relevant to this discussion:

1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished? 
2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)? 
3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored? 
4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need? 
5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up? 

We can surely ask further and tweak the questions above to see if the culture in our organization actually aims for parity. They can be as explicit as: Do we expect less of a certain gender, especially once we know about their personal decision? Have we actually spent our resources to help both men and women to juggle their roles at work and at home? Do our employees feel comfortable in asking for help for that matter? Even better, have we reached out to them and asked how we can be of support?

I think if we are really honest in answering these questions, the answers that we get—using Brené’s word—will shed light on the darkest area, which we need to improve.

Now, I am neither married nor working in Fortune 500 companies. I may not know exactly how marriages actually affect women’s careers in the company I spoke at. But what I passionately believe is that when organizations really want to achieve parity, close the gender gap, and level their playing field, they must create the culture that does not “punish” women (and men actually) for taking commitments both inside and outside of their homes, but instead enables them to thrive and shine. Regardless.

2016: Everybody's Free (to have a clean sheet)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a clean sheet would be it.

According to a poll by the US National Sleep Foundation (yes, there is such thing, I'm surprised as well), 73% of people sleep better on fresh sheets. For couples, sleeping on a comfortable sheet does improve romantic lives. Not bad aye?

On the other hand, a clean sheet can also mean a new start. A fresh perspective. One of the things in life which all of us are constantly in need of.

When you are given a clean sheet, it means you can start over. It can also mean that you don't let your past defines your present. That being said, if you still can't figure out why things went the way they did, so be it. If there's something happened unexplained and has bothered you for years, get over it. It doesn't mean that you're stupid. It simply means that you're strong enough to finally "close the cycles," as Paulo Coelho put it.

And if you think in order to have a clean sheet you need to get professional assistance, then, by all means, go seek one. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing or wanting to get some help. In fact, I'll be there to give you a pat in the back for your honesty and bravery.

By the way, if along the process you need someone to cheer you up, I'll be there as well. Whenever I can.

Appreciate the people who accept you for the person you are. Hold on to those who have loved you way before all the titles and awards. Ones who support you. Ones who put things into perspective. And ones who laugh at you in your face, but never behind your back.

April 2016.
The one when I took a stroll down memory lane.

August 2016.
Left-right: Fadhilah -  Fadilla - Fadila

December 2016.
Celebrating HSS after 4 years. Finally.

December 2012.
One fine lunch with endless laugh.

Don't forget to also welcome those who make you a better person. Ones who inspire and prepare you to take the bigger role and responsibility. Ones who remind you about your values. And also ones who help you to find more meanings in life.

June 2016.
So-called "NAK groupies."

May 2016.
This proves that making friends out of events is possible.

June 2016.
Safe to say, it was life-changing.

Let go of the superficial. Admire good characters.

Build your support system. And as you do it, learn to appreciate the progress. Nothing good ever comes easy.

By extension, appreciate the fact that you're not the only one who scuffle. You can set the bar high (for your own self) all you want, but when it comes to others, just be mindful of the progress that they make. Be kind. It's never up to you to judge. Alain de Botton gave a beautiful advice, "feel sympathy, rather than contempt."

Check your own intentions. To help you to do so, check your questions. Stop asking "what" and "how" unless you have exhausted yourself asking "why."

If necessary, fly to Japan. You may probably find your answer there.

June 2016.
The Itsukushima Shrine.

Listen to the people who care about you. And listen carefully! Let their words sink in. That includes when your mom told you, "keep your cool and watch your words whenever you speak," and when your best friend warned you, "if you keep doing that, chances are that you'd lose the perfect gentleman ever walked into your life."

And if by chance you ever think they forgot to remind you, just know what Mark Manson as well said, "well, maybe if you had been listening, bsshole." (Oh, I guess Sheldon Cooper somehow got into him, he suddenly failed to say the A.)

But don't be too hard on yourself. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to slip and make some mistakes. And when you happen to hurt someone, immediately say sorry and mean it.

Don't be self-centered. It is good to take care of your need. It is better not to be reckless about others'.

Have a pet. Take the responsibility of taking care of a creature which will depend entirely on you. If you are lucky (or not), it may also teach you one of the most important lessons in life, that everything we have is bound to end someday.

January 2016.
The usual cat situation at the office.

Be compassionate. Be humble.

Never let your achievements nor titles ever make you think that you are special, even worse, that you think of others as less.

Take some days off, disconnect from your daily activities, and spend some time only with and for your family.

October 2016.
The day when Mom turned 62 years young.

Learn from your siblings. And learn from their kids. Learn from those beautiful souls. They will prove the fact that what you know is just as much as Jon Snow's. You'll be surprised to see how they can put you in your place.

And if that means you have to fly all the way to France, just pack your bag and go.

September 2016.
2 weeks in Pau: extremely well-fed, astonishingly enlightened. 

Laugh. It's the best medicine.

Floss. It will make your laughter an even better medicine to others.

Send postcards. Write letters. And treasure those who send you one(s). In the time when most of things are satisfyingly instant, appreciate the gesture that requires efforts. Remember, mailboxes are not always easy to find.

November 2016.
The one that was sent from B.

December 2016.
The one that was sent by B.

You know what, that "do what you love" advice is pernicious. Don't listen to it. Do what makes you a better and more responsible human being instead. Do what is good and kind.

Be smart. Even better, be wise. It's good to be able to pinpoint what's not working, but it's better to make the best of everything you have, regardless.

Has someone ever told you not to overthink stuff? Let me tell you how. Focus on things that matter and are in your control. Trust God to handle the rest. Never lose hope.

And if you have any problem, talk only to the one(s) who can help you out. Just know that not everyone can.

But trust me on the clean sheet.

..

Adapted from: "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)"

Read also my previous post:
2014: Everybody's Free (to ask questions)

Derai-derai Cinta

Intro

Jadi ceritanya bokap gue baru mencetak tulisannya ke bentuk buku. Karena beliau tau gue punya hobi membaca gara-gara terpengaruh Yasmin, langsung deh dua dari tiga bukunya dijadikan hadiah; "Anak Manusia Korban Politik" dan (eng ing eng) "Derai-derai Cinta." (Ea!)

Tanpa tedeng aling-aling, begitu melihat dua buku tadi di meja kerjanya, Yasmin langsung komentar panjang lebar, "wiwiwi, ni cerita cinta bapak lo yak? Lo malu-malu gak bacanya? Belum baca lo ya yang ini? Deg-degan yakkk?"

Wongedian.

Regardless, Yasmin had a point. Even a novelist once testified, "nothing worse than reading a love scene written by your father."

So I thought.

But, man, I was wrong.

..

Derai-derai Cinta adalah kisah perjalanan hidup seorang pemuda yang lahir dan besar di kampung di Sumatera Barat. Jelas diceritakan bagaimana Imran--nama pemuda ini--berasal dari keluarga yang kental dengan nilai Islam. Kehidupannya, terutama dari segi ekonomi, dijelaskan tidak terlalu istimewa, alias sangat pas-pasan. Jika ada yang teristimewa di hidup Imran, sudah tentu tidak lain adalah karakternya. Kehilangan sosok ayah di usia yang sangat muda, menjadikan Imran terbiasa untuk berhati-hati dan terlatih untuk bertanggung jawab dalam mengambil tindakan. Kisah Imran di buku ini berakhir dengan keputusannya dalam meminang seorang perempuan untuk menjadi pasangan hidup.

Anyhow, daripada membocorkan cerita, I think it'll be better if I write what I found interesting about the book.

Pertama-tama, buku ini sangat ringan dibaca. Alurnya mudah dicerna, bahasa percakapannya tidak mengada-ada, dan sangat mudah membayangkan kejadian-kejadian yang diceritakan di dalamnya. Sedikit catatan, ada beberapa kata dan frasa yang diungkapkan dalam bahasa Minang, yang tidak umum (tentunya bagi yang tidak terbiasa dengan bahasa Minang), akan tetapi cukup mudah ditebak maknanya melalui konteks cerita.

Hal lain yang menyenangkan dari buku ini adalah kuatnya nilai-nilai kekeluargaan (which I can so much relate). Beberapa bagian mengharuskan persediaan tisu (Galodo, OMG!!!) dan sebagian lainnya cukup menghangatkan hati.

Not to mention, karakter Imran dengan gaya hidupnya yang sederhana selalu diceritakan dengan bahasa yang menarik dan mengena. Seperti ketika Imran diundang makan di restoran Homan, western style:

Dimulai dengan salad. Sayur-sayuran hijau yang disiram dengan "dressing." Diikuti sup asparagus. Setelah itu baru menu utama. Sirloin steak dengan kentang pure. Minumannya ice lemon tea. Namanya keren, ternyata maksudnya teh es pakai jeruk. 

(Errr... Iya sik, ice lemon tea itu teh es pakai jeruk.. Tapi... Gak usah di-point out juga kaleee! Lol. )

For me personally, hanya ada satu hal yang mengganggu. Sebenarnya tidak 'mengganggu' juga sih. Susah juga menjelaskannya. Anyhow, I believe my following chat with Yasmin explains better.

Nadya Saib: Gue lagi baca buku bapak gue yang Derai-Derai Cinta  

Nadya Saib: Aaaaakkkk  

Floresiana Yasmin: apa tu maksudnya aaaak?  

Nadya Saib: Gue deg2an kalau udah bagian "cinta2annya"  

Nadya Saib: Wkwkwkwk  

Floresiana Yasmin: wkwkwk  

Floresiana Yasmin: kenapa deg2an?  

Floresiana Yasmin: apakah karena seru atau karena lo merasa... eewwwh?  

Nadya Saib: Ada yang seru  

Nadya Saib: Ada yang gue menebak2, SIAPA INIIII?  

Nadya Saib: Ada yang, adohhh gua malu mengetahui bapak gue paham begini2an  

Nadya Saib: *dikira bapak gua begitu lahir langsung beranak 3  

Floresiana Yasmin: hahahahahaha  

Floresiana Yasmin: semua yg lo tau, Bapak lo lebih tau 

And there I (and Yasmin) said it.

All in all, it's a very enjoyable reading with beautiful messages, especially for young men and women. Moral of the story sih.., jodoh di tangan Tuhan. Tenang aja. Nggak akan kemana!

#Tsah #NgomongSamaKaca

Nevertheless, how I wish I read this earlier in life. (And how I also wish that there are still plenty of Imrans left out there.)

#TeamImran #SemuaBilangAmen

..

On a side note.. 

Baru beberapa hari yang lalu gue mengobrol dengan beberapa teman, bagaimana kreatifnya anak SD dalam hal meledek. Gue pun dulu sering jadi sasaran ledekan dengan cara dipanggil 'Saib' (yang padahal memang nama belakang gue, yang diturunkan dari bokap, yang sebelumnya juga diturunkan dari kakek). Tapi entah kenapa dulu kalau ada yang manggil "Ib.. Ib.. Saiiiib" rasanya pingin gue makan.

Again, I was wrong.

Today, I cannot begin to tell you how being called "Saib" has become one of the most beautiful reminders of how I should be grateful in life; that I have been raised by a man of decency, whose rationale and eloquence have inspired me, who has shown me how to live this life with a high level of integrity, and above all, who smartly chose a strong, caring, compassionate, and beautiful woman to become my mom.

#MendadakMellow #SalahinImran

..

Congrats, Papa! 
You write so beautifully. 

I love you! x

Your proud daughter, 
N. F. Saib

Reflection: Changemakers, Japan, and Impact.

I first heard about ChangemakerXchange from Caroline (Ashoka UK staff). As soon as I read her email--telling about their event which would be firstly held in Asia, I checked the website and looked at the list of the people within the network. It didn't take long to find some familiar names whose works I admire, including my favorite gangster, Christian, that makes sense (pun is intended).

Though I had some questions about what kind of output would be expected, how I should (and whether I could) contribute to the group, yet just the idea of spending time with a group of individuals who also run social ventures to offer solutions for problems in their parts of the world thrilled me. Furthermore, the fact that the program would take place in Japan was another good reason to take some days off and be away from everyone and everything (both literally and figuratively).

Defining "Changemakers"!

I'm a firm believer that people is always the key. I think Matthias' comment was spot on, that the success of the program would be made of three key components--time, space, and people.

Tsuwano, where we spent the first three days.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

The entrance of the temple at Tsuwano, where we had the Open Space session.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

The pond (full of Koi fish) in front of the Community Center at Tsuwano.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

The six precious days being detached from the routines, the beautiful and scenic views and the super fresh air of Tsuwano, I think they were all terrific. But I don't think they would mean much, at least for me, without the interaction among the people during the program.

And before I describe further about what I loved about the group, let me first share few things that I used to have in mind.

You see, the more you hear the word like "Changemaker", chances are the more you question what kind of person this Changemaker really is and what kind of traits and/or characteristic s/he should have. Sometimes I also question if I actually fit to be put in a group of Changemakers. And some other times I simply take the phrase literally and end up having doubt whether the work I do at Wangsa Jelita will ever make a significant change for this world.

It was by being around this group I found the answer to those questions.

A classic group photo after the Open Space session.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Changemakers roar!
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Within the people I met during the program, I noticed all colors of the spectrum--from a high school student from Youth Venture whose project just started in few months (and yet managed to inspire others to copy their work), to my dear Ha Lam (a mother of three, mind you) whose venture has operated in 98 countries. Each and every one of them imbued me with a lot of optimism, and I suppose it is impossible not to clearly see how putting them together in a group can actually further amplify their abilities, making them greater than the sum of their parts, which eventually make a significant change for the better world.

Before the Open Space session.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Before sharing session with Youth Venture.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

The other reason why I loved the people was a lot more personal. And I think Amy put it very well, that this group somehow was able to remind myself about what really matters in life. Some did it by sharing their stories, some others by showing their emotions. (I think it is amazing how one's vulnerability begets others' and bring them closer.)

Last afternoon at the Community center, before heading to Hiroshima.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

One fun night at Tsuwano, "ayyyyyeekk!"
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Not to mention, there were several tips I got from the group too; some practical business do's and don't's (including Snapchat 101, for sure), some great book recommendations, and even some new ice breaking techniques (note to self: never wear toe socks or any kind of socks that appeal to the eyes).

Gee is biji-biji-ing, sharing the importance of sharing!
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Ha's session on Growth.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

One of the bouncy icebreakers.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Wrapping up the third day (the Open Space day) we did a quick summary of how the session was. I remember Jiezhen responded, "so much knowledge in this group!" Boy, she was right.

And yet to add to that point, I'd like to say, "there's just so much compassion too."

Hiroshima and the perspective(s).

One of the most emotional moments I had during the program (other than eating hot Indian food after days of bentos) was when the group went to Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum.

First of all, one thing should be appreciated was the thoughtful schedule arrangement by the ChangemakerXchange organizer team. I really felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. After being overwhelmed by so many insights from the Open Space session (and finally able to calm down by sharing it with the people back home over hours of phone call), the program ended with the remembrance of one heartbreaking tragedy in the past.

Now about the Museum itself..

The exhibition is divided into several parts, including the history of Hiroshima before the bombing, the development and the decision to drop the bomb, and (the most devastating part) its aftermath along with all the horrors. With all those graphic description, it's hard not to think of and pray for your loved ones. It's just too close to home.

Uniform of a student who was exposed to the bomb
less than 1 km from the hypocenter.

However, though I loathe seeing how such awful thing could be done to people (including innocent kids), I have to admit that I had mixed feelings due to another layer of the story which I had been told since I was in elementary. (For those not in the know, the event was a stepping stone which eventually provided the opportunity for some East Asian countries--including mine--to proclaim independence.) It was hard for me to justify one feeling over another. Even harder after seeing those gut wrenching displays of kid victims' belongings.

Nevertheless, I suppose it taught me at least one thing.

Yes, some things in life are pretty clearly right and wrong. But the basic fact of the matter is that this world is a lot more complex. And so are some of the issues in it. I think it is an oversimplification to take one side and entirely agree with it, while completely oppose the others.

(On a tangent, I remind myself of one beautiful advice of Alain de Botton, that we should hold our horses when we're coming to judge people because we don't necessarily know what their true value is.)

A quick wrap up on the last day at the Hiroshima Memorial Peace Park.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

So fortunate to meet one of the survivors, who shared the most beautiful reminder,
that we shouldn't feel spiteful towards what happened in the past.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

Anyhow, the exhibition was no doubt too intense for me, but I'm really grateful for the reminder.

The pursuit of impact!

I came across one book of Simon Sinek just a few months ago, which led me to do a lot of thinking about my personal why. Ever since, I had discussed about it with my partner, Yasmin, as well looked for some enlightenment from my inner circle. I couldn't tell exactly but I felt like I was losing my why and, what makes it even worse, I wasn't sure myself.. why.

It was during the Open Space session when I finally found the final piece of the puzzle.

When Nick described the difference between "output, outcome, and impact," I was completely stunned. It was not because those three words were unfamiliar, but more because it actually helped me to point out how I'd slowly veered away from the thing that I really want to pursue. My personal why. The impact.

I suppose it was the desire to scale the company that had distracted me. Suddenly all I thought was how to merely grow the numbers, beat the competitions, without thinking deeper on how the business could improve lives, and hopefully make better changes in the societal level.

As if Nick's session wasn't enough, Matthias closed the afternoon program with one of the most mind-boggling statements I've ever heard, "the greatest social entrepreneurs are ones who make themselves obsolete."

I talked about it a lot with my team and other social entrepreneurs and there is no lack of emphasis on pursuing impact, but it has never been clearer for me. (And really, if I had to flew, even all the way to another continent just to get this insight alone, I would.)

In sum..

I guess I'll be echoing everyone, but I'll do it anyway.

Thanks to every individual that has contributed to and participated in this program, and allowed me to take part in it. For me personally, those six days were amazing. Probably even transformational. I suppose only time will tell. And I feel so fortunate to join the group.

Lastly, I'm glad that it's just in time for the most blessed time of the year, Ramadan. And I'm raring to practice what I've shared and learned.

The last group discussion at the Hiroshima Memorial Peace Park.
Photo credit: ChangemakerXchange

And I hope it's the same for you.

Pulang Kampuang

It has been 15 years since the last time I visited West Sumatra. I could barely recall the interactions I had with most of my relatives there at the time somehow, but I still do have some vivid memories about some places; like how the neighborhood looked like, where I used to go fishing, or where my cousins and I usually bought snacks. Good times, as far as I can remember.

Therefore, when my parents asked whether I would like to join them Pulang Kampuang1--road-trip, mind you--the answer was no-brainer.

Finally back just few days ago, I believe it's safe to say that it was the most unforgettable trip for many reasons. At least, there are three.

..

First and foremost, THE FOOD!

Most of Indonesians know too well about a West Sumatra traditional song that describes our feelings towards our beautiful homeland which is far-far away (Kampung nan Jauah di Mato2), and, not to mention, the infamous one about one's grieve of losing chicken (Ayam Den Lapeh3)--I, too, wonder why. Even so, the two make a big hit somehow.

And yet what most of us (I, myself, included) didn't know is that there are actually dozens of our songs that talk about our food; Bareh Solok, Salalauak, Katupek Gulai Paku, Lompong Sagu, Kue Mangkuak, Karupuak Sanjai, Kue Sarabi, Sate Piaman, and many others.

Clearly, there's a reason why.

Serving food, Minang way

My favorite Salalauk at Garegeh

It's not because of the quality nor the variety of the food per se that makes the people of West Sumatra very proud of their cuisine. Actually, the culture itself also allows the food to play a central role in the social interaction. A good example to illustrate that is what my dad commented about the people in his village back in the day; that it is embarrassing for them if they cannot serve their guest with a full proper meal, especially if it is a close relative.

Though some people no longer hold on to the tradition nowadays, nevertheless I still observe it from the families which my parents and I visited. Of course, nobody was disappointed. If you know what I mean.

On this point of food, I remember a good friend who, one day, made an interesting point, "each and everyone of us has a currency. Yours, allegedly, is food!"

Being a Minang by blood, I agreed. Assuredly.

THE BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE..

It is undeniably spectacular as it is varied. Eyes are pleased, while photos can never do it justice.

I tried anyway..

Jam Gadang, Bukittinggi

Bukit Barisan, Bukittinggi

Gunung Merapi, Bukittinggi

Batu Limbak, Danau Singkarak

Istana Basa Pagaruyuang, Batusangkar

Puncak Lawang, Kabupaten Agam

Lembah Harau, Nagari Harau

Tarusan Kamang, Nagari Kamang Mudiak

And, on a more serious note, THE LESSONS.

Some places we go for the food, some others for the scenery. Having both reasons in one destination is something, and yet to share that experience with our loved ones gives a whole new meaning.

On being appreciative, particularly towards parents..

The decision to road-trip was the paramount factor why the trip was special. It took us three days and two nights to get to West Sumatra, which gave us plenty of time to talk through many things; about how things worked back in the day, how it influenced my parents' childhood experiences (my most favorite part), and even some hopes we have in this life in the future.

I discovered a lot of new things about my parents through their stories and even through the way they share them. I found that there is much food for thought in understanding of who my parents (and even grandparents) were and are.

Above all, realizing that the decisions they have ever made actually pretty much shapes me and my perspective, helps me to be more appreciative about what I have in life.

May God reward our parents, and may He make us all among the grateful.

"Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return."

It was Saturday and there were six of us--my uncle, my aunt, my cousin, my mom, my dad, and myself--who were just about to have a breakfast together. We were all smiles that morning, and yet in a matter of hours, forget about smiling, there wasn't even a dry eye in the house. My uncle had a cardiac arrest and passed away.

Just a bit about my uncle, Om Wawoh, he was very beloved to the whole family and will surely be missed. May God grant him paradise and reunite us all there.

Looking back, I think the lessons I've learned in the past few years has been constant; that no individual is in full control of all things, and that the time that each and every one of us has is limited. I feel like I knew that full well. Apparently, that doesn't change the fact that the death of our beloved one is a hard pill to swallow.

Obviously, the trip ended in a way that was no where near my expectations, still I found that it was one of the best reminders I have ever had. Witnessing someone--not to mention, one who is near and dear--breathed his last breathe instantaneously just shook me to the core. It was, by all means, impossible to be forgotten.

Lastly, may God make it easy for us to be more appreciative to what we have.


Footnotes
1. (literally) Pulang: go (back) home; Kampuang: hometown
2. I found that this link translates the whole lyric pretty well.
3. Read the full lyric here. It is one of the most interesting and (to me) intriguing song there is. I even asked my parents whether Minang people--probably back in the days, who knows--have so much love for chicken. My mom responded with laughter, while my dad answered with a joke. I suppose it remains a mystery. 

Miracle

Last year, in the last week of the month of Ramadan, my father was hospitalized for chronic kidney disease. The doctor said that his one and only kidney left (as he'd had nephrectomy couple of years before) somehow stopped functioning properly, to the extent that he needed dialysis.

Simply put, while most people have kidney(s) to filter and remove waste products from the blood (thus producing urine), the function of my father's kidney was extremely bad that the filtering had to be done artificially. Not just once, but continously and regularly. "Twice a week," the doctor said.

On the other side, on the first day when my father got into the hospital, my sister and her family had to move to Pau. At the time, she was 7 months pregnant. I remember one thing my father kept saying on that day was his plan, together with my mom, to visit my sister and her family in France sometime soon, especially to see his would-be first granddaughter. Of course, that was before we knew about the kidney failure.

When the doctor said that regular dialysis was the only option my father had, my parents asked loads of questions. But nothing broke my heart more than this one, "what about traveling?"

I might not be able to fully understand what my parents felt at the time, but I know for sure, even I was crushed.

Long story short, my father went on dialysis for two weeks. Somehow after the fifth one, miracle happened, and his kidney started to work properly. Even the doctor couldn't give the clear explanation how it happened. All we know is that he's never had dialysis ever since.

Fast forward to today, my sister sent me these pictures.

Well, I may not be able to fully understand what my parents are feeling right now, but I know for sure, even I am overjoyed.

P.S. For those of you who have to go through some medical treatments, or have family member who does, I pray that God gives you and your loved ones the miracle He gave to my father. And above all, I sincerely pray that He gives you and your loved ones the strength and patience to carry you through the difficult time.

#notinmyname

From what I observe, the incident of Charlie Hebdo has resulted in three major reactions by three different groups of people.

The first is of the ignorants who now come up with a hashtag (which is full of hatred I don't want to write it), who simply conclude that this terrible incident is because of the teaching of Islam, and each and everyone who has something to do with the religion should pay the price. Among this group are those who bombed the mosque in Paris recently, and somehow think that that is the kind of solution which will make the world a better place. I feel sorry for this first group, I really do. But they're not my main focus. Not today.

And then there's a second group, which actually is the reason why I write this. The "JesuisCharlie" group, I call them.

In order to get my point across, firstly, I need you to do something. I need you to imagine someone whom you love most. Someone from whom you have learned so much. Someone who endures every kind of pain you can ever imagine, just to teach and benefit you. Someone who is willing to sacrifice his/her life, for yours. 

Obviously there are many other reasons why we love a person, now I need you to just take time to think of one individual who deserves many (if not all) of those reasons to be loved. Probably it's your mother, your father, your spouse. Perhaps it's your teacher, your professor, your mentor.

Now once you have figured out who that person is, imagine that particular someone is being mocked. Imagine your own mother is being made fun of. Imagine there's a group of people who speak ill of someone whom you take as your role model. It hurts you, doesn't it? 

When you really love a person, even a single false judgement about him/her may bring tears to your eyes. Even when you know that it's incorrect. Of course, you feel sorry for the people who can't see the beauty in the person you love the way you do, but it saddens you, because you understand that that very person doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

And this is where I want to highlight one important thing that, unfortunately, has been missed out among the people in this second group. 

The love of muslims for the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) goes beyond their love of everything else. Muslims love the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) more than they love their own mothers. I know it's not something which everyone can take lightly. And it is not my main intention to make everyone who reads this to accept that belief. But how I wish them to understand how painful for us to see those false judgements given to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). 

I'm not going to beat around the bush, so I'll just leave those who support "JesuisCharlie" with something to ponder over.

If the so-called freedom of speech allows others to mock your loved one in the most horrible way, would you support such thing? Would you be just fine when others are disrespectful to your beloved one, and would you just say 'it's the freedom of speech, they have their own right!' Really? Will you come up with that argument?

#JeNeSuisPasCharlie.

But don't get me wrong. By all means, I never and will never ever justify the incident of Charlie Hebdo. Everyone who loves the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) understand that that horrible incident has nothing to do with the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), because part of loving him is by doing what he has taught us, his followers, to do. And there simply is no room in Islam for responding to mockery or blasphemy with violence.

As I said, I feel sorry for those who don't get to know the beauty of character of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and end up making such hateful speech towards him, but my anger goes to those who don't understand the teaching of Islam properly, yet act arrogantly, ignorantly, even worse, violently as if they do and have the right to.

I remember an advice of a good friend which goes, "in the era of Islamophobia, take every opportunity to clarify what Islam is not." To some level I agree, but it's the other part of the equation that interests me more. And it is actually the last reaction I've observed.

More often than not, we are too busy to explain what Islam is not, while what has been lost in many eyes of the people nowadays is the beauty of what Islam really is. No doubt, it is our responsibility as muslims to act according to the policy of the Quran.

"And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel (evil) by that (deed) which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is hostile (will become) as though he was a devoted friend." - Fussilat (explained in detail) :34.

We should try utmost to be one of the last group. And I pray that we'll all be able to do the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) properly.

2014: Everybody's Free (to ask questions)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, asking questions would be it. That saying was right, "he who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, yet he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever." Never choose to remain fool forever.

Ask questions. Ask many of them. But please, do your homework also. At the very least, Google first. Just so you know, more often than not, your answer doesn't define you. Your question does.

Judge yourself. But don't judge others. Even if he's your siamese twin with whom you go together 24/7. Just because you see what's on the surface, that doesn't necessarily mean you understand what's beneath.

Be loving. 

Keep those who truly love you. Those who have been there with you since the time before all the status. And those who love you for all of you, not just because of the awards and the titles. Those who bring you joy. And those who support you. Also those who are always being honest with you. Don't forget those who know how weird you can really be, and those who don't get disgusted with your huge appetite (yes, they tease you every now and then, but they will always say yes for another cake time). Because they know, it's your heart that matters most. And here's how to keep them with you. Show them, and let them know, that to you, they matter too.

October 2014.
Amirah and I were having our second late afternoon tea time.
Well, maybe third.

September 2014.
(left-right) Yasmin, (curious) Mika, Andra.

August 2014.
My one and only BGK.
And "the Ring."

Give Gifts.

It's true that the best gift one can give is time, but when it comes to your beloved ones don't be so cheap and just give your presence. Give real presents. Even if it's not their birthday. Even if it's a small token that shows how you keep them on your mind. Even if it's something you make yourself which you recently learn, or some books you randomly see when you go to the bookstore, or something you find when you travel somewhere. A gift is an expression of love, which your loved ones so much deserve.

January 2014.
I'm the luckiest aunt (onti).
And my little nephew Rayyan (ade) is the cutest.

August 2014.
LOL :)) Because Yasmin knows me too well. :')

October 2014.
The most beautiful bookmark I've ever seen. From Amirceu! xx

And remember that when you receive some gifts, be very thankful. Because that's the sign that you are loved too.

Pray.

There will be times when things are rough. Times when you feel like you're alone, and nobody seems to understand your ultimate fear and sorrow. Just remember that "you never, are alone!" Eventually, you will find people who can help you to go through it. You will meet people who are brave enough to share their stories. And you will be shown that someone has had it rougher, and actually live to tell the tale. Even if that means you have to go all the way to Seattle.

June 2014.
Thank you, Heide! :)

Live in Bandung once, but leave when it's the time to leave. And don't forget to pay a visit every once in while. Because it is always good to reminisce.

October 2014.
Bandung. 7 months after moving to Jakarta.

Travel. 

Talk to people who appreciate something you may have taken for granted. Listen to those who are grateful every time the sun shines brightly, as if they see it for the first time. Just so that you'll understand, how gifted your homeland really is.

June 2014.
Seattle.

June 2014.
San Francisco.

October 2014.
London.

Read.

Set your priorities straight. Family should be on the top.

July 2014.
The day when my sister and her family moved to Pau.

Never listen to the advice that tells you how entrepreneurs should always put their work above all else. And never trust those who say that nothing other than work really matters. There will be a lot of people that tell you that, and you will see how their convincing words perpetuate. That is the time when you have to remind yourself of your own value. Entrepreneurs are blessed because they aim to find the balance between the thing they love doing and all the other things that are important in life. Don't give entrepreneur a bad name by acting like those heartless machines.

Spend time with your parents. Listen to their stories. Thank them for all the decisions they made in the past. Be mindful, that those are also the decisions that have made you who you are today.

Spend time with kids. Play with them. From them, you will understand about mercy. From them, you will learn about patience. And from them, you will realize that nothing supersedes intelligence. Except excellent character.

November 2014.
Fathimah, my first and only niece.

Learn from those who know how to cherish their parents and families. Surround yourself with such people.

Pay attention.

You will find how messy and imperfect this world is. You will meet people who are disrespectful even to their own mothers or their families, let alone other human beings. You will meet others, who draw your energy with their negative words, and share nothing but hatreds. You will read the news that reveals all the violence and the worst kind of nonsense stuff, so terribly awful you want to throw up. Don't be depressed. Because you will also get the chance to meet others who want to share nothing but kindness. Those whose face full of smile and hearts full of love. Those who are constantly grateful. Those who treat their guest like their own kin. Those who connect people. Those who want to help others to their best of capacities. Those who--despite all the bad things that have been going on--take time to contemplate and literally ask others and themselves, "how can I be more of service?"

June 2014.
Jolkona, the Project Catalyst group.

August 2014.
#socent enthusiasts.

October 2014.
Makers of More Summit group.

October 2014.
Eric and his lovely granma Lynne. 

Be thankful. 

Forgive those who hurt you, even when they hurt you for the reason you can never understand. Because at least they have taught you that not everyone deserves your heart and mind.

Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean it will never happen. All great things take time and effort. So when it finally comes, you will appreciate the greatness even more. You will understand that it is worth all the wait, even the pain. 

December 2014.
After 6 years. Those who know Wangsa Jelita from the very beginning
will understand why I love this too much.

Maintain communications with your loved ones. Text them when they are miles away. Even if it's just to share the link you recently read. Or the quote that you think they will like. Or the crazy images that you know will crack them up. But remember to put all your gadgets aside when they are in front of you. Because you will never be fully conscious that, when the time to say goodbye comes, you actually never know when the last goodbye is.

Keep your cool. Control your anger. Sit down if you need to. Lie down and take a deep breath if you really have to. That guy Ambrose Bierce was right. To speak when you are angry will only lead you to make the best speech, you will ever regret.

Exercise.

Eat healthy food. Even if they taste like grass. It is okay to cheat every once in a while, but remember to give the rights which your body has too.

September 2014.
My mom made me drink this carrot juice.
It tasted like grass love.

It is good to keep yourself busy. 

Just remember that, above anything, it is best to be conscious on what you are busy about.

But trust me on the question.

..

Adapted from: "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)"
Inspired by: Anna Oposa and her annual year-end entry

Read also my previous posts: 
2013: Finishing the Unfinished Business
2012: In Review