Dec 31, 2012

2012 in review..

"We're left behind, and that's okay, that's good.. Because it means we can learn from others' mistakes"
- The lady, Aung San Suu kyi, when explaining about the condition of Burma. Such powerful, POWERFUL words, I think.

"If you think you are not capable of making new friends, then what are you doing now? You are what you think you are, so never underestimate yourself"
- A wonderful psychologist whom I just met for few minutes merely by chance, whose words enlightened me and made me shed a tear, my beloved Sara.

"You don't have to be someone else, if one doesn't accept you, means he/she doesn't deserve you, the special you"
- Still my beloved Sara in one of the best 15 minutes convos I've ever had in my life. She makes me feel much loved.. And I thank and love you for that, Sara.

"Everything comes in 2 sides, like a coin. In order to be strong, you need to admit that you're weak. In order to be smart, you need to admit that you're stupid. In order to be successful, you need to dare to fail"
- my Mameha, Nancy. She has loved me before titles and awards.. She understands my complicated mind and supports my crazy ideas, calms me when life feels overwhelming, and puts them in perspective. I know you detest this kind of emotional thingy, but I can't help it. I love you, N.

"Praised what you have created. It is great and unique as it is. Don't look at the increase of others to disgrace your own, but to learn from them"
- Shimon, replying to me when I was being too hard on myself, grumbling about my own work. He's the one who helped me to go through my lowest time of the year, who saw how vulnerable I could be, who supported and inspired me to be the best I can be. If you read this, Mr. Cantaloupe, you should know that I thank you beyond words and you are truly, verily, much missed.

..

When I had a quick yet very meaningful reunion with a very great friend of mine, Ben, he pointed out that when it comes to relationship (not just romantically) I came up with certain various rules for myself and my partner. Ben called it "building a wall".

The logic follows that I might do that as self defense mechanism, Ben explained. I thought to myself - really? I supposed he saw the puzzled look on my face then he told me to look back so I can find the answer, to know the reason why, and to understand better.

Life is so funny, I think, that every time I ask myself a question, the paths somehow are shown for me to find the answer.

I took Ben's advice. I discussed this with some of my best friends while kept asking myself, "why?", "when did it start?", "what has happened?"... I couldn't find all the answers but I found that the root of this "building a wall" is fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being left. Fear of not being loved by ones I love. Fear of looking weak. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of having fears.

The most recent person whom I discussed this with was Nancy. It was a very mind-opening discussion! I came to see that one of the main problems was not that I have this weakness of having those fears. The problem was I expected otherwise, pretended of not having ones and thought that having fears and weakness is a problem. Ever since I promise myself to embrace all of my fears yet NEVER to focus on them.

The best thing about realizing and accepting the fact that I have those fears is that it makes me feel more human. It feels really good when I'm honoring my emotions, learning from them and not making them wrong. It feels really good when I'm not making myself wrong for having weaknesses, for being vulnerable, for making mistakes, for not always getting things right, for having fears. And I found that being this more human guides me to become more spiritual, which I think is really important, which has been the biggest part of my quest.

I saw that 2012 has been anything but easy. I took few days to finish this writing (I usually take just few hours). But looking back through the year, reminiscing what has happened and finding the wisdom behind, I'm beyond grateful for abundant things that I've learned (I truly hope it's the same for you).

Last but not the least, Happy (almost) New Year! May we all have a brilliant 2013 full of love, laughter, and inspiration! May we all become more human and spiritual beings through our journey.


I finished my writing, listening to this song. I thank my girl, Lan, for sharing this on Facebook. You, young lady, never stop to inspire me!

P.S.
..I was told that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. Because not everyone is nice or good so I should conserve my energy so that I don't get hurt. I responded "I can't help it. I believe in sunshine and rainbows. The only way I know how to respond is with my heart"..  If I have the choice: I would rather love than hide, I would rather laugh than cry, I would rather have deep, meaningful conversations than be boring and dull. If I get hurt because I chose to give all that am, then so be it. I will respond by continuing to believe in the goodness that I know exists even if others do not see it. The world to me is a beautiful, magical, amazing, inspiring place and I will continue to believe this until the day that I die.
I found the note above really beautiful and it resonates very well with me, and I simply feel the need to share it. I thank my twin brother, Sam, for this! It's actually a status of his friend that he LIKEd on Facebook and appeared on my news feed, hehe (Sam, if you read this, please say hi to her from me..).