Oct 14, 2012

Because "the one" is overrated.

Have you ever met someone whom you get along with from the very start, whom then you're so attached to, who (you think) has all the qualities you have desired for so long, who makes you feel content whenever they’re around?

Fantastic, isn't it? Everything about this person seemed so perfect it made you start to wonder whether they might be “the one”.

Then suddenly it ended and the person went away. Not only it broke your heart, it also hit you big time because you didn't understand what went wrong and you started to question (and might even blame yourself for) "what had you done?". I rephrase from an article I read, "you suddenly experience the difficulty of letting go of a hero".

As the time goes by, you learn to love yourself a bit more. You realize that it wasn't actually you. It was more likely because of something you cannot control; the circumstances, the distance, whatsoever. It seems like God, the Almighty, the universe, whatever you call it, had conspired and decided to pull that person away from you.

Why does a relationship with the one whom you see as “the (potential best) one” have to come to an end? Let me share you my perspective.

I've always been in relationships (note that I don’t just mean romantically) with those who have THE quality which mesmerized me. I must find it so damn attractive, it makes me go head over heels (I think my best friends know this very well, how I wouldn't stop talking about a person and treated them like.. you know.. “THE ONE”). “The one” must have something that resonates with me, particularly my heart, that I'd feel so energized like I am the best of myself when the person is around. I feel amazing.

A good friend of mine told me that “Whatever you see in others, you have it inside”. I think it’s truer than true. It simply means that THE quality that we see within someone else is there inside us too. For example, when you adore someone for their integrity, then it’s actually their gift to you to teach and inspire you to bring it out of yourself. Often, little did we know that, the awesomeness we see in others actually have hibernated for so long beneath us and the moment we meet “the one” is actually the time to wake it up.

Then the question usually goes like this, “if the one has brought the best out of me, why do they eventually have to leave? Why can’t they just stay, so I can be the best of myself the whole time?” 

Frankly speaking, it’s something that I've been learning myself too. If I can sum up the thing that I've learned most in 2012, it must be related to it. I had an issue about this (co)dependency thingy. No, I'm not going to write about that (I hope I have some other time to write it though), but I'm going to write about how the end (of a relationship) is actually the great new start. It's not bad, yet it's rad.

In the long run I understand that it’s actually good that “the one” leaves. Because if they stay, I would have always thought that the quality was radiated from them, instead of realizing that I actually have it too. Their physical presence might be gone, but I get motivated to become something I miss about them. I keep the thing I love about them within me. And that’s great. And most importantly, I've learned that even it’s their awesomeness which has brought the best out of me, it was my job to keep it going, like it or not, with or without them.

Realizing this, I finally let “the one” goes, pretty much easily. They have accomplished their mission to elicit what I have inside. Now I can see that I have THE quality and I stop looking for it in any other person. I stop looking for another "the one" to fulfill me. I guess it is now my turn to reflect and share that quality to someone else and bring out the best of themselves too.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there’s always a sad and devastating end for any relationships because you have to move on and bring out another best in you and/or continue to bring out the best in someone else. I’m saying that instead of being in a relationship with someone, wondering if they’re the one, looking at each other to fulfill the void inside, wanting to be happy together ever after, I believe it’d be a lot better to live with a (little bit of) sense of detachment. It doesn't mean that we should withdraw ourselves from being in a relationship. No no. It means that it would be great if we can be our best selves first then be with someone who has reached that point too, then together looking for the Higher Power to truly fulfill us.

I think so.